For years now, I have been sitting with sickness. I've been all over the map, body declining, on hospice, getting better, off hospice. All to be repeated again later.
I have felt the attraction to death as a way out of this situation. I have felt the fear of death many, many times over. Not wanting to leave the familiarity of my body, the familiarity of things and loved ones around me. The odd feeling of safety that being in a body seems to give.
I have longed for the body to get better so I could be out of this situation even as, at the same time, I had great doubts as to how a miracle could happen to transform the apparent, poorly shape the body was in.
It takes time and much, much processing it seems to let go of the investment in the welfare of the body. To learn to fly free, to be able to hold a state in your mind where you know it's all okay either way. You live, you die, you get better, you don't get better. To arrive at the place where the overriding knowing is that you are Spirit. You're not this body. And its welfare is not your concern.
No need to touch thoughts about diet and medicine and therapies or what could help or what you are doing wrong or what beliefs you're still clinging to that are sabotaging your physical healing. You are beyond that now. And this feeling that's alive in your chest, that's not going anywhere - this is Home.
And Home is precious Home. And oh, how very precious is this Home. The real settling at last. Home is not going anywhere and you are not going anywhere from Home. Home is in charge. Even as it seems to breathe you, in and out, with the same simplicity it views all the movements, people, situations. All just appearing and disappearing. It can be that light and undisturbing. Home doesn't mind about anything. Whether there's a body there or not.
Maybe it is the last thing to go.....this investment in the body's welfare.
And until this becomes our lived experience, can we welcome all the circumstances of present daily living that are gradually and kindly taking us there. Letting all things be exactly as they are. Learning to relinquish our interest in the dream.
And it takes the time it takes. Letting go of any self-judgement around time and failure. Perhaps you are triggered and worked up and having to sit with intensity of sensation and emotion. So be it. The burning away of illusion. You return clearer, brighter, emptier of dense mind.
Focusing on Home and Light and Holiness in you and all who arise in your mind, spend time with you or breeze by you. The path of the sages before you. The path of the free. The glorious path of you.
“Here is my secret: I don’t mind what happens.” ~ Jiddu Krishnamurti